The sun must hurt, it shines so bright.

I’ve been seeing shadows, I swear

I won’t press you for judgement

I will cry, for long periods of time

the sun is setting now

I think it must hurt to shine

so bright for so long

but I wouldn’t know, at all

because I’ve never shined a day in my life.

I breath and I see and I live

but i don’t live for anyone else.

You don’t even see anyone

but your own reflection and what you want.

I haven’t met you yet

but I know you have no time for anyone else.

I like talking to you

but you only want to talk about her.

That isn’t a problem

but what if i want to talk to you

about yourself and me

about your love

that you guard so deep

and that heart

that shines through your smile.

i know you’ve seen her pictures

and i know that now you’re hooked

but what about me blazing eyes?

Don’t you see intelligence,

don’t you see wisdom?

Do you see anything

but what you want to see?

Will you ever see me?

I challenge you to the end of the earth

and by any and every competition known.

I must show you I am good enough

because my beauty,

unlike hers,

well never be found.

I will force you into fear

so you will want me

want me because I am strong

strong enough to be good enough

so you know i am meant to be

your number one.

SO… there is a guy.  (I hate that line.)

Obviously.

He’s pretty cool, but i haven’t meet him yet.

My friend has just discovered her beauty. but that is dangerous. she not too bright, what happens if they abuse her? if they wield her will? she is not strong, not strong like i am. What will happen to her?

Beauty and intelligence should go hand in hand. One that is beautiful, is usually immediately powerful, or they can be. But what if (like my friend) there is no brains to match the beauty? What happens then? How do people like that do well for themselves? if they don’t even have good judgement to be clouded?

Iee-yieh-yieh. What happens now. I am not seriously infatuated. if fact i could careless. he’s probably stupid anyway. but what really gets me is, what about me? I am not stupid. I do not deserve rightfully to be the headstrong bitch, as is the label. I am strong, i am pretty and i know what i want and how to get it? Is that scary for guys to deal with or something? Are they scared? Well… they should be scared of me, because i am not scared of them, so they should be scared, but does that keep them away? and what are only the stupids ones the ones to come forward? is it because they do not fully grasp how badly i can hurt them? do they understand?

Grrr… life is do confusing, and love is even more confusing. I wish i had someones logical advice. But you cannot take advice on such topics. That would do you no good, for every human is different, so advice doesn’t really work from someone else to elsewhere.

Why can’t all just be accepting?

I am feeling… odd.

I suppose that that would sum it up. I am feeling odd.

I am not good at being close to people. I’m just good at being a floater, more or less. I’m not really attached to any group, no group really wants me, but i am friends with many people.

I am good for some things, bad for others. You ask me something.. i wont lie. I will tell it to you straight, the way i see it, no matter how much it might hurt. God never said that you could lie even if it kept someone happy. He never said that ever… but i wish that people would treat me the same way i treat them, because i always end up looking like a bad person.

Something that i am just barely coming to realize is that you cannot please everyone. Not everyone even really cares about you, in fact, people will be more likely to want to get to know you if you are hard to reach and kind of distant. that is what i have found anyway. You slow down the process of getting boring if you arn’t contantly being open about yourself. if everyone knows everything there is to know about you within a few hours of meeting you, they will think you’re boring. once you know a person well, you see them differently, more clearly. people usually don’t like what they see in me.

people think i’m odd, but does that change me? no. it just makes me more weary of knowing others opinions of me, since they are always openly telling me that i am a weird kid. but do weird kids really exist? i mean… we’re all weird in our own ways… and something that i have noticed is that, if someone doesn’t seem odd to you, that probably means that there oddness is going to shock you more, or maybe it could be a bad odd thing. people who are openly odd are always much more simple and less confusing. isn’t that better?

okay, well, now i am way off my origanal topic. why can’t people just be accepting? why must there always be so many human judges? who are they to think that they can be a proper judge of a persons character? of a persons worth?

if you accept and take all the bad about a person in stride… then… well, i am very proud of a person who can do that. i used to be more accepting, but the world is getting to me again and i just can’t seem to hold it all off alone. i need someone who will keep me in line.

 i need to cry once in a while. i haven’t cried in a very long time.

crying for me is like filtering all of the bad and the hurt out. after crying for a little while, i feel better. i feel as if i can finally forgive myself for the bad that i have done so that i can look past it and forge one, to be a better more complete person. i need to have strength. now i must find a place where i can be who i need to be.

school is not a place to do that. not for me.

Better to be lowly…

i haven’t been very kind recently. Maybe that is because i am a naturally violent person? because i am so fed up with school? (i’m still not out yet, two more WEEKS!) because i’m so fed up of my ‘friends’? maybe…

i LIKE change. i NEED change. i don’t survive well in a place that is all the same. in a place where nothing seems to change and if it does.. it doesnt matter to me…

My parents have been telling me that we’re going to move for like… the past two years. I want to move at this point and i am only counting the seconds. I have gotten to the point in which if i don’t do something to shake my life up drasticly soon, i might go crazy. i’ve already begun to apply for boarding schools. what do you think about that? Does anyone else feel this restless?

 

“the highway of the upright avoids evil; he who gaurds his way gaurds his life…

“pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall…

“better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than  to share the plunder with the proud.”  – - -> Proverbs 16: 17-19

 

i wish i could follow that advice. but it seems that i cannot, for i never do as i should and my words come before anything else. the plunder is mine alone.

Wanna-be Mind Reader.

I am alone in my own love starved world.

That is a revelation and a fact.

I am simply and utterly. . . alone.

 

I do not really fit. I fit no where. I am invisible and starving and tired and lonely and no one cares. My family is gone and off on their own conquests in life. My parents arn’t even where i want them to be. I see the world in a different way. A sadder way. I see no beauty in the world around me. Just starvation and sorrow and remorse for the past and the ways of old. There is then and there is now. So separate.

I cry and plead for the days in which i feel loved and surrounded. I should stop speaking my mind. I need strong people as friends. People who i cannot knock down. People who will be there when my world colapses and breaks, shattering to the floor and who can pick me back up and watch me grow.

But no…

I am alone.

They say that no one is truly alone in the world. But i am.

I wish that i knew more about what others were thinking. I would like to say that i thought that all teenagers felt this way, utterly alone, but i am not sure that all do. It might just be me. Or me and the minority.

But… regardless, me and the minority are all separatly alone. All i have are chocolate bars, ice cream and reality TV.

People yell and people scream my name, over and over again. But they never come looking. They just leave me alone. Again. I wish they wouldn’t do that. I wish they would try and try again to get through. But humans do not seem to operate that way in my world. No, not that way at all.

I woke up this morning tired. As always. ( I hate school so much and when i wake up on a school day i feel so much worse off. ) And i felt good, yesterday was a good day, i felt included and surrounded. But today was horrible. People were rude and obnoxious in a way that made me feel as if people had just gotten done with talking bad of me. My mood is so fragile these days and i jsut wish that something in my life was constant. But i have nothing to lean against, no one, nothing. My life in empty of human life because the ones that i know that are decent are always so fleeting and leave more quickly than the previous one. It’s hard to know where to fight and where to stand and where to speak and where to keep quiet.

I feel empty, alone and generally, under-noticed and appreciated. I know that mothers are supposedly always “under appreciated”, but i think that i am too, since no one notices my presence in a room. I try to feel part of the group, but i also work hard at being invisible. I think that i might do that so i will know who can see me and who cannot.

I wish that there were any right now who noticed. They never see the looks or see the feeling.

Oh, how i so wish i were a mind reader.

inside my heart

I know

that everything i do and say

is so wrong,

why can’t i do it right,

i feel

so lowly and lonley

and still

i know that i have to keep

trying now,

push forward or i will

not get through

this place in my life,

i see

the stars above,

like a piece of heaven

on this earth,

that i

slowly die on.

Today has been a long day and tomorrow will be even longer.

I need the people in my life right now that help me to make good choices. I have noone who looks out for me without getting mad at me. I understand, i am violent by nature, much more aggressive -in many ways- than a normal girl is … but i am lovable and i need people to see that part of me – the lovable part- and help it to grow. I need someone to understand my pain and frustration and turn it into gentleness and laughter.

I have been at a party all night and actually have left early- that’s why it’s not really that late at the moment of this post- due to my plans tomorrow which include and all day soccer tournament . . . but anyway, at this party i might have caused some people pain, physically, poor kids, but through those violent acts i show my affection, sort of, to some i mean the violence, to others, the violent affection.

 . . . i have basically had the same crush on the same guy since pre-school, but I am not beautiful and i am not sweet or girl-like, i am rough and loud and not in the least what is wanted by him. I have tried to convince myself that i don’t like him, i distract myself with other people, but i still like him all the same, and i really always have.

he is not who he used to be, he is louder and more mature, but at the same time less mature. he once showed me affection, but i was scared and and therefore verbally violent and stupid, in the overall outcome of things, maybe he really did like me then and i injured him, probably not, but it is a possibility. i have believed in him and so i wish to wish the best of him, but sometimes i cannot. i want to see him for who i think and believe with almost all of my heart that he is.

he is not who i wish him to be and i am not what he is searching for. i am a violently confused teenage christian who at all times feels like a third wheel and the kid-mom who always has to do what is right. i will not really change myself to be who he wants, but i will wish with my heart that he will come back around and eventually find my face through the sea of abyss, but my emotions are shielded well.

through all of this i have learned only one thing that seems to matter, – no, i am not in love with my best friend, not even slightly, i am just trying to fill a spot in my heart that has always been reserved for that one kid that for some reason seems to pull on my heart strings.

So it seems -

Does it ever seem to you that you are alone, all alone, in this big wide world? It seems that way to me all the time. I am alone in my own head and it seems so comfortable yet so empty that way, no one else can understand the way i feel and i will never understand anyone else in the same way i do myself, what a way to live. How comforting would it be sometimes to have someone who knew that you were thinking and knew the right way in which to behave so that you always have a friend? No matter how obscure that would be,having someone know you so well, it would still be nice at times.

Is that what love is like? Being one with someone in that way? I shall never be that way. No one – most likely- will ever see reason in my actions, warmth in my icy heart. Alone, all alone. We – every single one of us – feels utterly alone at one point or another.

Humans are an unruly race. We kill to feel powerful, we have a need to be both menacing and lovely. I see myself in a different way. I see how much destruction i cause, but I see the good, the true and the sorrow of my ways, does no one else? Probably not.

How does someone lost find their way if they are blind? How does someone deaf hear the music? How does someone mute sing a song? – They cannot.

How do I settle for what’s right when I want to do what is wrong? How do I settle for what is right when there are always two sides? I will never have a need for pride, but i still have some.

So I started this rant of a post about feeling alone. But today, i don’t feel alone. How strange right? Well, anyway, I just finished this awful book where most of my more favorite characters die in the end, and today is mother’s day – Wow. Another Hallmark Holiday. – and i am with my family and i spent yesterday fighting with my friends, accept for three of them. But I don’t feel lonely, I do feel rather unloved, but not in the least lonely. I just feel ditched. My reckless mood has caused me to be practically friendless, not a new problem really, I am different and rarely agree with people, i rarely ever find commonalities with others.

I dream big, for someone living in my town that is especially unusual, there are people in my school who have never left New England, how obscure – yet true. I wish to leave this tiny town and hit the world like a Nuclear Bomb, not literally, of course.

I do not feel utterly alone today, i am content, though the day could be better, it could also be worse, i shall be content and keep my mouth closed, that way i will not ruin the day, for yes, it is quite bearable.

The World of a Teen Who Doesn’t Fit

Is my soul mature? People say so. I say so.

I don’t relate to other kids who are worried about stupid kid stuff –  like  who’s dating who and who got the top score on Halo 3 last night. I worry about the future of the planet and what will happen to our government. I think i was born too mature for my years and now i am lost in my sea of teenage problems with the additional problem that i am not  a likely teen. Who would want to listen to me rant about this anyway? I am just some other stupid kid with more stupid problems. Right?

My friend, most likly my only real friend - if he even is – is a kid like any other. He laughs more than i would even consider and tells me the i am too serious. Adults are serious. I am like an adult. I talk to adults about the things in which i know and many more people who i hold real conversations with are adult also. I talked to my friend about what he likes, what he disliked, i asked him aobut his family and spoke of my seriousness. He doesnt care. He never will. He is a kid and i am an adult-like kid. We are not ment to be friends, adults and children, our levels of curiosity and maturity are far off.  Will i ever have friends.

What other kid spends time blogging about their issues? Not very likly any others than me. I am alone in this world of other lonly people. I need some one to care about me and want to talk to me aobut things that captivate my intrest. My friend’s mother blogs. I get along with her well.

I wish that i was like other kids – happy, care free, mostly, but i also wish that other kids were like me. I wish that i did stuff like they did. BUt you know what? I am content to do nothing. I am completly content to do absolutly nothing all day long. Alone or with company i can stand the silence and sit in complete loneliness. I am comfortable. But I complain. I like to do things on my own, but really i just want a friend. No one accepts me. They would rather ditch me to go do things with kids who are more like them and less like me.

The world is a sad place, for me. I will survive each passing day the same.

Love & Love Some More

The sky is a blue-ish grey. I would rather be doing anything than what ive been doing. I’ve been on the computer all day. How much more boring can you get? Right, you can’t. I called my friend, we were supposed to do something today, but no, he’s moving wood. I wish i was moving wood too. It would be something to do. Anything is better than nothing, almost.

When the world stops moving, i stop thinking, because time has stoped in my soul and heart. Does that make sence? When i don’t do anything, i don’t think about anything because there is nothing to think about. I should find an actvity to last at least an hour.

 

Out the wide window in my living room there is a glorious view over the Valley. I can see the town hall and the points of the church steeples. But most importantly i can see the sun. I have never thought about what i would do without the sun. I wake up every morning and look out through that window. Most mornings i see the sun, bright and shining in the sky. Behind the mountain i can see the ski area and the trails of not yet melted snow since spring comes slow to Vermont. If I look back to the Valley i can see the wave of the trees in the wind and some that are just starting to bud. I can see the cars driving by on the main road and some people down in town walking the streets. Mostly the town is empty. People leave when they have the chance. 

Some scientics think that possibley some Vermont mountains could have once been the tallest in the world, before the glaciers. I dout that, but it sounds cool to tell people.

Do you know what it’s like to spend a day waiting for someone who doesn’t show. I know that feeling. It is a close and dear compainion. A memory of a stand up is much much more memorable than the person who showed. Do you know why? Because we expect someone to follow through with what they say. Humans want to trust people. People become ruined and cold when they are left alone too many times, when promises are broken too many times… we slip away from the world because we don’t want to be hurt any more. We make it so no one can touch us to help or hurt. We remain the same after that. Maybe someone will reach out to us and pull us from our self-put confinment within ourselves, but we can’t depend on other people, you can only ever depend on yourself.

The biggest struggle in life is to do right always, right? No. No i don’t think it is. I think the biggest struggle is to love everyone, no matter what they do or say, to give second chance after second chance until you loose count of the extra chances you have awarded. People will disappoint you and you have to learn to live with that. No matter if they show or not, you have to love everyone.

One who loves radiates love and they are loved in return.

People should remember that always. Be cold, you’ll get coldness, be snide, you’ll get snidness in return. What you give is what you get. So give more than you have and don’t expect anything in return at all, because that is not what doing good is about, its not about what you get back, its about what you get by giving. You give yourself more that anyone ever could give.

People give love, you can give yourself love. Give love, get love, give some more love, it’s the one thing you can never run out of.

The view out the window… the ride is the ride.

I look out the window and see gravestones. The writing is worn away and from this distance I can’t make out any details. The blue sky, full of clouds, is shining bright, casting shadows on the ground. The plants behind me and the world outside the window full of color shows both life and death. Color can display everything and anything. Color shows happiness and sadness and even thought the world is bright today you can still see the those still dead-looking trees and the fallen leaves upon the ground. I look again out the window at the gravestones and I notice that many are toppled over, most of the skewed stones are leaning against other gravestones, the stronger ones. We all lean on stronger people like the gravestones can on eachother. What will happen when the strong stones fall? Well, they will both fall and come crashing in their ancient state to the ground, shattereing and scraping as they come to pieces. One causes the other to break; it’s better not to fall at all. A grey car drives by and again the wind is noticable, though everything inside the house remains still.

 I wrote this is ten minutes as a writing drill. It was one of those drills where you write about anything and everything. I wrote about what i saw outside the window of the writers house i was in. She was amazing and I am very greatful towards her. I will probably write her some of my work…

The world is quiet and wet, the skys now grey and the trees now still. Soccer is fun, but more fun to play than watch. The world in its falling, un-grandious state is quiet four once. No one is outside accept the dog. I think i will depart this computer now for there may be things to be done and movies to watch. Maybe I will be back. I might even go to my friends tomorrow. Oh how i need friends.

Quiet and still is the world, as is my soul. I am at peace, but still i am restless. How is that possible? It is not, I lie when i say i am at peace. Why do i do that?

“Ask questions,” she says. She’s right. I should ask questions. But i should get answers when i ask questions, sometimes i am not awarded the truth. I can tell when people lie. It is a gift and a curse.  People can’t tell when i lie. I could get away with murder. I tell the truth because the truth is what is right. I wouldn’t have to if i didnt want to.

Life is short, she says

buckle up tight

the ride is ruff

but the ride is the ride

you can be kicked out

right out of a moving car

you can be picked up

and driven straight home

but you can’t get out

because the ride is the ride

the ride never ends

until it ends

because the ride is the ride.

Just another week.

The past week has been… well, pretty much terrible. Every week is, more or less. But – you know those moments, that, after a terrible day, can make everything So much better? Even if they were just the smallest of momemts? Yeah, well, last night i had one of those little ammaazzinggg moments. I think that i’m in lovee with a jounior. He’s amazingly weird and cute. Is that possible? haha. I’m such a weird girl.

So last night i was at my brothers talent show. He’s only in 6th grade, so it was hilariously terrible. So me and Zack, the jounior were talking about each of the acts and we decided that the totally butchered Bob Marly song Don’t Worry, Be happy. It was great! That just totally made my day. =] haha.

anyway, i should stop talking about my lame happy moments. hahaha. I hope that one day i will be totally satisfied with my life. maybe, maybe!